Every doctor’s office has one:  that helpful pamphlet for parents and siblings and significant others that gives advice for “Living with Someone with Mental Illness.”  It gives descriptions on how to be patient and open-minded, while providing detailed examples of situations that may occur when someone close experiences mental illness.

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However, in reality, it’s not always that easy. Living with someone who has mental illness cannot easily be guided with diagrams and to-do lists. Plus, when the script is flipped, and when you’re the one with mental illness, there is never a helpful guide that gives insight into how to live with someone who does not have mental illness and who may not understand why such simple acts as brushing your hair, washing your face or just getting out of bed require so much effort and energy. This kind of divide can easily cause tension within a relationship between roommates:  while one is living day-to-day attempting to muster enough will to open the curtains or take a shower, the other might feel as though he or she is the only one regularly doing those necessary activities that keep a space livable  Because, sometimes, mental illness can be so heavy and suffocating, those without mental illness are usually stuck with performing the regular household chores—loading the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom sink, even feeding the cat—and can quickly grow resentful.

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Because he or she does not live with mental illness personally, and has not experienced the symptoms on an individual level, the vastness of a disease such as depression or anxiety is often hard to comprehend.  To someone who hasn’t lived through depression or anxiety, their symptoms can appear to be the signs of having a bad roommate; forgetfulness and low energy levels can look like laziness.  To someone who has not experienced paralyzing anxiety, refusing to call the landlord or maintenance workers can look like immaturity or an unwillingness to help out.

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So, though there is no real solution, the closest thing might be to just, like all of those pamphlets say, keep an open mind. Learning to live with this tension is never easy. It can be incredibly frustrating. It can feel like a betrayal, like just another item on an already full plate. To speak on a personal level, unfortunately, arguments can easily arise when cleaning and organization is a high priority for one roommate but not even a passing thought in the mind of the other.  With a brain fogged with depression and anxiety, it’s quite easy to ignore both responsibility and the well-being of those around you.

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However, mental illness or not, perhaps the most important lesson to take away from living with someone whose mental state is much different than yours is to recognize the validity of the other person’s viewpoint. If a cluttered apartment causes stress to your roommate, but you barely have the energy to change out of your sweatpants, a simple explanation could go farther than anticipated.  Maybe the two of you will reach a compromise together. Either way, though a perfect solution may seem out of reach, communication and open-mindedness seem to be key. And, of course, focusing on your own mental health and emotional and physical well-being should always be top priority, so that you may one day become the roommate you wish you could be.