On January 13th, the online publication babe.com published a detailed account from an anonymous woman, coined Grace, about a date she had with comedian and actor Aziz Ansari. Grace herself felt she had to begin to come to terms with the fact that the actions Ansari had made towards her were sexual assault. Following this account, there was an onslaught of both positive and negative reactions. Overall, though, to look at the situation and begin to point fingers is to detract from the real power of Grace’s story and the implications it creates.

 

Criticism of Grace’s story is highlighted in an opinion piece written by Bari Weiss in the New York Times that was titled “Aziz Ansari Is Guilty. Of Not Being a Mind Reader.” In this article, she states “the solution to these problems does not begin with women torching men for failing to understand their “nonverbal cues.” It is for women to be more verbal. It’s to say, ‘This is what turns me on.’ It’s to say, ‘I don’t want to do that.’ And, yes, sometimes it means saying goodbye.”

Although it is essential for women to have agency and know their limits, to disregard what happened between Grace and Ansari because it is Grace’s sole responsibility to express herself, is to continue perpetuating rape culture.

 

Grace’s story is not as black and white as the Weinstein case, and the cases of power dynamics and workplace harassment that have thus come out. The night that Grace detailed is one that many women, including women who have shared their stories on Twitter and other platforms, can relate to. The issues many people have, including Weiss, with the allegations against Ansari is that there is no legislative punishment that Ansari can be tried with. Because there’s no jail time or court dates involved with this account, to many it follows the witch hunt narrative for which the current #MeToo movement is under fire. To Weiss and others, Grace chose to speak about Ansari because she wanted to end his career.

 

Ansari has not been ruined, though. He has not lost any backing, his show “Master of None” and three comedy specials are still on Netflix. The only thing that is crumbling down is the brand he has built himself on, one that isn’t afraid to call men out on their actions. Ansari highlights sexual harassment in his show “Master of None,” and in his 2016 Madison Square Garden special he has an entire bit dedicated to “creepy dudes,” who Ansari says he “realized recently ... are everywhere. And so much more prevalent than I realized!” He then asked all the women to raise their hands if they’ve ever experienced catcalling or being followed. Ansari, seeing the sea of raised hands exclaimed, “That’s way too many people; that should not be happening!”

 

The idea that someone who so vehemently opposes the idea of entitled men and understands the fact that there are situations that make women feel vulnerable can then go on to make a woman feel so vulnerable is what is most concerning. If someone who is more educated in the inherent relationships between men and women continues to pursue sex even after many nonverbal and verbal cues, how are men who don’t understand the dynamic going to know what they’re doing is okay?

This is where the conversation surrounding Ansari comes into play. Women need to continue to speak about times like Grace’s where they have been coerced, felt helpless, or didn’t say no because they were afraid to escalate a situation. Pop culture, elders, and peers all perpetuate this idea that it’s normal to have to convince a woman to have sex. Small violations of her boundaries, unwarranted touching, following, etc., are acceptable, and even necessary in getting the girl.

 

A study published in the “Journal of Interpersonal Violence” found that men tended to confuse sexual interest with sexual consent, regardless of the situation. In this study, it was found that men were more likely to perceive a woman as consenting if they believed social messages like “women generally find being physically forced into sex a real ‘turn-on’” and “when a woman says no, she really means yes.” Not only this, but the level of confusion around sexual consent varied, depending on factors such as how far along people were in a sexual interaction (making out versus oral sex, for instance) or if the pair had had sex previously. There are huge grey areas when it comes to consent, and the only way to combat it is to speak about it.

 

The key to Grace’s story is the fact that many men can put themselves in Ansari’s shoes, if they have not already done something similar to him. Listening to the story and continuing the conversation does not mean implicating and jailing all men, but rather, it raises the idea of recognition. By speaking up and out about situations that many women have been in, it causes a need to look at society as a whole.This story and the reactions to it are a call to action for people to do better. David Klion, freelance writer in Brooklyn and a former editor for Al Jazeera America and World Politics Review, writes it best in a tweet saying “The Aziz Ansari story is good litmus test for who sees sexual misconduct as a strictly legal question and who is concerned about improving the overall culture surround sex and dating. It’s also many times more relevant to the average person’s experience than, say, Weinstein.”

 

How else can we break down norms that exonerate men from their power dynamic? Stopping conversation is stopping any attempt to break down the hurtful norms that are currently in place.