I started dating my first boyfriend in tenth grade. Ironically, we had the same birthdate and were born in the same hospital. Our relationship lasted a little over a year, but the in-between parts taught me a lot about love, life, and myself.

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There was fun and happiness in our relationship, but I hardly remember that. The things I remember now are mostly bad. He would point out if I had acne, and he’d call me fat. I have always had long hair, and I wear glasses, but he told me I should cut off my hair and get contacts because he liked girls like that. If we would get in an argument about something, he would get mad and say I never compromise, then proceed to ignore me. After these times of unkindness, there would be what I have heard referred to as the “honeymoon phase”, a time in which the person apologizes and is very nice for a while, but they always go back to the same abusive behavior. This happened repeatedly, but I never was able to see it.

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At some point he decided that he was going to join the military after high school. He demanded that we would get married and I would move with him wherever the military sent him. I didn’t want that. I wanted to go to college and get an education. He didn’t care.

 

Even after he belittled me and disregarded my feelings, I told myself that he was just going through a rough time. His parents were getting divorced, so he was just having a hard time. He needed me. Now I realize how naïve I was. No one should ever treat anyone the way he treated me, not for any reason.

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The end of the relationship came somewhat abruptly. We had been having issues for a couple of months and had almost broken up. Both of us decided to try to make it work, even though we were not getting along very well. I was afraid of what other people would think, since I saw breaking up as a “failure”. With marching band, I went on a trip to Disney World. While I was on the trip, I began to notice other guys, and I realized I did not have feelings for my boyfriend anymore. I still was not sure if I should end the relationship or not, and I even bought him a souvenir. On the bus ride home, I was texting him. He wanted to see me the night I got back. I protested because I wasn’t going to get home until after 9 p.m., and I was exhausted. He protested and said, “Why won’t you change for me?” That text is what made me decide to end it.

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We went to different schools, but we were on a robotics team together. The next weekend was our final championship competition and a trip to Cleveland. I decided to try to wait until after the competition to break up with him. While at the competition, I attempted to avoid him, but he kept seeking me out. After the first day, he said he wanted to talk to me at the hotel. In the hallway of the hotel, I told him I wanted to break up. He became very angry at me and blocked me from getting down the elevator, repeatedly shoving me. Keep in mind that I am barely five-feet tall, and he was over six-feet tall and much stronger than me. Eventually, I was able to get past him and down the elevator, but I was badly shaken up. Back in my hotel room, I sobbed and sobbed while one of my friends sat with me. I was crying because I felt a tremendous weight lifted off of me, and I was so happy. For the rest of the weekend, my friends made sure I was never alone, and I will forever be grateful for them.

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After the fact, a different friend asked me why I stayed with him so long. She told me how wrong I was for staying with him. It made me feel terrible. Someone who was supposed to be supporting me was criticizing me when I already felt bad enough about it.

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About six months after the breakup, he texted me and I had an anxiety attack. I never had one before and have not had one since, but it was a very scary experience.

I would never wish an abusive relationship upon anyone. It has taken me a lot of time to heal after that relationship. I am a much stronger person than I was before, and I will never allow that to happen again. While I was in the relationship, I didn’t really see what was happening, but afterwards I could see it. It took a lot of courage for me to share my story, but I hope it will help other people realize that they are worthy of love, especially after an abusive relationship, and that it gets better.