Amber Smith’s novel “The Way I Used To Be” tells the tale of a girl, Eden, who is raped by someone she trusts, her brother’s best friend, and the fallout of this event. Eden is raped in the very first scene, so the novel never shows the reader what she was like before the rape. What we see is the grief, trauma and efforts to hide what happened.

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Throughout the novel, though, Eden thinks about herself before the rape, often describing that girl as naive, but also as happy and innocent. She overanalyzes the old Eden because she must have done something wrong to have caused the rape. No one else knows about her trauma,, and everytime Eden gets close to disclosing it, she freezes and changes the subject.

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The rape occurs during Eden’s freshman year of high school and the novel goes until the middle of her senior year of high school. This is a time when many people change very quickly, and the rape complicates this development. Before the rape, Eden was quiet and got along with her family. After, she becomes more outspoken and openly defies her parents’ wishes.

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Eden’s relationship with her best friend Mara also becomes increasingly strained. The girls both change a lot and aid each other in rebelling against their parents. There comes a point when Mara can no longer handle Eden’s change in behavior, and this causes a rift in their relationship. Eden also repeatedly hurts others without intending to. She keeps her emotions guarded and tries to stay distant.

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Another issue that Eden deals with, especially once she gets older, is a lack of ability to be in a meaningful relationship. She meets a guy she really likes and wants to be with, but, through hiding her feelings, the relationships are not able to grow. Her wall is high and strong, and it takes others a lot of time and care to break it down. After her relationship with the guy does not work out, Eden takes to sleeping around. Mara confronts her about this, but Eden explains that, to her, sex doesn’t have much meaning. This is another coping mechanism for Eden to distance herself from her rape, but it only makes her mental trauma worse.

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At certain points, Eden admits to how lost she is as an individual. The rape took away her sense of self. Throughout the novel, the old Eden becomes more and more lost, and the new Eden destroys what was left of her previous life.

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I thoroughly enjoyed this novel and finished it in two days. It made me feel like I was in Eden’s shoes, feeling her emotions and being just as confused. This novel reminded me that people go through hardships in their lives that they often do not discuss. I have definitely said things without realizing at the time that they were insensitive, and this novel drove home that message.